Thursday, July 21, 2011
Honestly, there is a place where I can get sometimes that's just super dark. It's a place where I don't care about anyone's emotions. However, recently I've been coming out of that. I'm not sure if I like it, but the new found light of my own closed off world is kinda refreshing. It's been too long since I was fully emotionally here.
Posted by Yours at 8:28 PM
Sunday, July 17, 2011
I swear as of lately sleep has come harder than ever. I mean i've never slept really well, but it's never been this hard before. I constantly think about everything and it's killing me. Why can't I just let things go? Why can't I just let people go? Why does someone so unattached have so much attachment to few things. Attached so much in a short period of time. I can't keep doing this because it's hurting myself that I can't sleep. I mean I know a lot of people have trouble sleeping, but it's something I've had problems with for forever. Now, more than ever, I think about everything and it's not okay. I can't worry about everything and everyone anymore.
Posted by Yours at 10:35 PM
I do have to say that for the first time in a very long time my day was productive. It wasn't one of those days where I talked to a lot of people like I normally do. Today, I locked myself in my room, turned off my phone, turned off my computer, and went through everything I own. Today, I got rid of yesterday and made way for a new version of me. I will no longer be dependent on people. Cause honestly, I'm the only person I can trust. Embarking on a long adventure of chasing new.
Posted by Yours at 6:57 PM
I think finally after a long time of doing nothing, I'm finally ready for some change. You know those moments when you feel like you need to change your life around for the better? Today is one of those days. I can't let people hold me back anymore and I can't stand in the way of myself. I have so much to do if I plan to change everything around completely. Starting with some inner work on myself. I do have to say and this is something I say often, "In the midst of change, you have to know why change is needed."
Posted by Yours at 8:10 AM
Saturday, July 16, 2011
In the midst of summer you have a lot more time to think about your future and your past. That's probably my least favorite thing about summer. The future, however, is so scary to me. I don't like change. Anyways, I sit there and think about how my whole dance career is going to pan out. At times I think I could possibly have missed my chance because I started dancing so late in my life. Unlike a lot of dancers, I don't have pictures of me in cute little dance costumes because I didn't dance when I was little. That used to be my heaviest burden when it came to dance. I wanted to be a ballerina on pointe so badly! I'm not though and I never will be. Thankfully, i've accepted that because I would rather be a contemporary dancer than a ballerina any day. Don't get my wrong ballet is such a beautiful dance style, but I am a dancer that cannot be molded. I like to dance freely. In other words, i'm not one that can be told what to do and how to dance. I've currently thought about trying out for So You Think You Can Dance, but I've known so many people to try out and not make it. It's not that I'm scared there are just so many people that audition for that show! It'd be such an honor to compete on the SYTYCD stage though. As a contemporary dancer, I honestly don't know of any other ways I can pursue my dream. I've tried researching dance schools, but you have to have so much ballet background and I have no experience in that department what-so-ever. I mean i've worked my butt off to have correct technique and for someone who hasn't taken ballet ever I think I could fool some people. I've danced for an upcoming 6 years. And to anyone that dances that's nothing, but who gets to decide how many years of practice makes you a good dancer? For someone like me, who didn't take ballet and only has a high school dance team under their list of dance accomplishments, their chances are slim of making it in the dance world. Let's be honest, it's hard for anyone with numerous years of training to make it in the dance world. Now just to inform, my life isn't all dance. Well, a lot of it is consumed with my constant desire to dance, but I have a confusing love life, an impossible educational dream, and the fact that I constantly contradict myself. The only person that truly stands in the way of who I want to be and what I want to do is me.
I'm someone who chases after everything I want. I don't wait for what I want, I run and get it. I will go above and beyond to prove a point as well. That, however, good be a downfall sooner or later. I have a certain dream that I'm excited to start chasing. I, as well as many, want so badly to be a professional choreographer/dancer. It's taken awhile for me to realize that I will never stop wanting to dance. So I'm going to make it happen. I just recently switched dance studios and I will finally get to compete as a solo dancer for the first time in my life, but on top of that I have a crazy school schedule and I'm also on the school team as their co-captain. I decided to take on 6 a.p. classes and 2 honors classes as well as two challenging electives. Chasing my personal dreams, chasing my educational dreams, and chasing my dancing dreams will be harder than anything I could ever imagine this year and this blog will continuously follow my life as well as my attempt to chase everything.
Posted by Yours at 3:06 PM